DO NOT ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE THINGS. I'M WHAT YOU CALL A PROFESSIONAL!
...and since I was in a super depressive and destructive mood I decided to do something creative. I joined the League of Anti-Valentine’s Day Brotherhood (I’m speaking metaphorically, it’s not a real group, at least it wasn’t when I wrote this, who knows if it exists now, but I digress) to show my distaste for the holiday. I created “The Alone on Valentine’s Day Checklist”. It was five easy to follow steps to a successful Valentine’s Day for the very depressed, lonely, detached, isolated guy or girl.
The first year I kept the list to myself and I followed it to the letter. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) I was unable to follow the list completely and I had to rethink it. I altered it a bit (pray I don’t alter it any further) to make it more … attainable. I had to change the wording of the last step and add a new step at the very end. Now it was a list I could follow, each and every year. Anyone could follow it. Well, any lonely depressed person could follow it. I was so proud of my list that the following year I created a graphic design with my checklist and put it on t-shirts and coffee mugs and sold them in my online store so that everyone could share in my misery (and contribute to my hookers and blow fund). And while the checklist looked visually appealing on high quality merchandise (#shamelessplug), it lacked the detail necessary to understand its true meaning. So, for your enjoyment, I’ve detailed each of the steps below.
Step 1 - Buy yourself chocolates. Lots of chocolates. Any kind of chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate - it doesn’t matter. And get more chocolate than you would possibly eat - get a months worth of chocolate - that’s important for the next step. You could get other types of sweets, but I’ve found chocolate works best.
Step 2 - Eat the chocolate until you get sick. If you’re not throwing up, you’re not eating enough. This is why it’s important to get an excessive amount of chocolate. You want to make sure you end up having a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach for the next few days.
Step 3 - Watch a romantic movie. Instead of avoiding the topic of love (which would be healthy), this step is design to deepen your depressive state, to make you hate anyone who is happy and in love. Oh yes, and eat popcorn. You can’t watch a movie without popcorn.
Step 4 - Lock yourself in a dark room. Darkness is your friend when you’re depressed. Isolation is exactly what you need at this time. Avoid all contact with people. It’s just you and chocolate (which you should keep eating, even after you’ve thrown up).
Step 5 - Contemplate suicide. This is the step I had to change. Originally it was the last task on the list and said “Commit”, but I failed in the attempt and naturally created the next step. Also, you can’t be depressed if you are dead - and what fun is that?
Step 6 - Cry yourself asleep. This is pretty much self explanatory. Although I’m not sure of the grammar. Should it have been “Cry yourself to sleep”? The t-shirts are already printed, so there’s not much I can do at this point.